Just Another Typical Day

I came into the office this morning and opened my safe. Before even getting the door open, I was hit with a wave of weed smell coming out. 

“Perfect,” I thought. Even my thoughts are sarcastic. I hate the smell of weed.

I work in a diamond dealer’s office, which is probably one of the sketchiest places a person can work. Apart from the constant keeping of paperwork to prove that you are not a money laundering agency, there’s cameras in every office, plenty of insurance fraud throughout the industry, and pretty much every other dirty underhanded trick in the book. Most of the industry is made up of religious Jewish people- many from Israel or Long Island. Almost everyone is in the industry because they grew up in it and their family runs the business. This only contributes to the sketchiness in most cases.

My boss and I are the only people who work at my office. I’ve been here about a year and a half and we’ve developed a good relationship. Not unlike the family run businesses, a certain amount of illegal activities and general sketchiness probably strengthens the bond. I’m a trustworthy employee with no moral qualms so long as no one is actually getting hurt. Therefore, an ideal partner in crime.

Yesterday my boss informed me that our mutual friend in the industry was coming over at 5 pm.

“Oh. Really? He’s coming here?” I had asked. Usually we met up with him and went to dinner or something.

 “Yeah. And the tech guy. We’re meeting a new dealer.”

Our old dealer had been caught recently and got in some trouble with the cops. He had supplied a number of ‘party favors’ for our Christmas party, which had ended in a strip club with my friend getting his first lap dance from a woman dressed as Santa Claus. 

“You know, I see the craziest shit I’ve ever seen in my life working here.”

“What? In this industry?”

“In this office. Specifically.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” my boss had said. “I’ve told you- we’re a ‘full service’ operation over here. The only thing we don’t do is prostitution.”

Apparently, we draw the line somewhere.

Crabbiness in the Workplace

Today is frustrating at work. My boss, who has spent the last several days house hunting rather that accomplishing any actual business-like activities, has given me about 400 assignments to do at once. Almost all of these strike me as the least consequential items to be doing with my day. 

One of them is ordering business cards- a simple enough task. OR IS IT? I walked in on my boss using his diamond gauge to measure the millimeter depth of his current business card and after that he plans to send me to the other side of town to make sure the “black is black enough” while he goes to lunch. 

Not only do I have the other 399 assignments he gave me, but why can’t we just trust the actual printer to do this? I asked for rich black- if they don’t deliver, get a refund. How on earth is it more economical to pay your assistant to look into this for potentially hours? Re-goddamn-diculous.

All I can think of is American Psycho. There was a lengthy analysis of business cards made by Christian Bale right before he went around murdering people in the buff. I’m pretty much on the edge of American Psycho myself these days.

Time to get rolling on that resume again…

New Love on the Horizon?

It’s been a long time since I posted. I’m the worst at maintaining a blog.

So updates- Needle in the Haystack guy is out. He eventually decided that I wasn’t going to ever be up for something more serious and he got himself out. I eventually decided that Boston guy was never going to want anything more serious, so I got out.

Then I dated a bit, worked a lot and nothing of notable interest happened to me for several months, which in and of itself is pretty ridiculous. Awkward is more normal in my life.

Presently, 2 things have happened. I have met someone new- he shall henceforth be known as The Rugby Player (and/or RP). I actually really like him and would be interested in dating him at a more exclusive level. I met him because he is a teammate of my roommate’s boyfriend. There have been many occurrences in which we should have met over the past entire year, but never crossed paths until February. Timing wise, this is actually perfect as had we met at this time last year, I was all over the place with that Two-Faced Douchebag from the restaurant and he was in a relationship with a girl in DC.

The unfortunate part of this timing is that my roommate and her boyfriend (the common friends responsible for us getting together) split up 3 weeks after our first date. So that adds an interesting awkward component.

Things have been a little shaky with this guy, so I was excited to see him last night for the first time in 2 weeks. He seemed just as excited, and we grabbed a drink and talked and laughed. I need to have a more serious conversation with him regarding what is going on though, because I’m getting some mixed messages. Haven’t seen him in 2 weeks BUT we text every day. Reputation for hooking up all the time, BUT he says he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else… it’s all quite confusing. I can’t figure out if he likes me or just wants another convenience based booty call girl out in Brooklyn to add to the harem of “options.”

Last night RP paid for me to take a cab home. He didn’t feel comfortable with me walking around my neighborhood at night alone, which was sweet, but a bit unnecessary. When I got home I found my roommate sitting in the living room on the couch, drinking wine, and attempting to teach herself to play guitar through a YouTube tutorial. She seems to have her doubts about RP. Some are well founded and others seem more bitter and derived from her recent breakup with RP’s friend.

My night eventually ended with me going to bed and RP sending me an epic, somewhat dark, and romantic poem.

Then there was a dick pic.

Then a period.

I don’t know what to make of this boy, but I sure like him.

Craigslist Subletting Tips

Not that I am looking for a new place, but because I feel like I have weathered the horrendous experience that is Manhattan apartment hunting, I feel that I should share what I have learned. My sister is currently undergoing the "searching for a sublet" issue in San Francisco, which I assume has a similarly overpriced, outdated, and scarce apartment situation driving complete strangers to make living arrangements together simply to have a roof over their heads.

I constructed her this list of tips based on my own experience. 2013 will be a year of contributing useful information to the web hopefully, and not just spewing my awkward drama around.

Here we go:
For starters- this is the kind of ad I look for:

$800 Large room with lots of light in cozy Prospect Heights apartment (Brooklyn) (map)

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Date: 2012-04-19, 3:39PM EDT
Reply to: fqbqz-2967619928@hous.craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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We have a room open for May 1 in our three-bedroom Prospect Heights apartment!

The room is large and has big windows and a wood floor. Rent is $800, and utilities usually run about $50/month. The apartment is located on Vanderbilt Avenue between Bergen St. and St. Marks. It is close to the 2,3 and B,Q and C trains. There is a lovely living room, a large kitchen, very big for New York bathroom, and lots of light.

We are two women in our mid-twenties, not home much but like to keep the house a warm and inviting space for when we're there.

Our lease is up September 1 so we'd like someone to stay at least until then. There is an option to renew the lease if we want to at that point.

Vanderbilt Ave at St. Marks (google map) (yahoo map)

• Location: Brooklyn
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

1. Lead with things about yourself and your living preferences. You should definitely mention if you work from home, meaning you will be around a lot. (This could be a dealbreaker, as most people like having a roommate with a life. However, I would also mention if you travel extensively and what you do. Be realistic about this. If you are an "aspiring actor," don't put that down. Put down what pays your bills, and tell them acting is your ambition). Express your views on pets, smoking, 420 friendliness, and if you are a social, heavy, or non-drinker. Say if you are tidy or whatever and your level of tolerance for other people's messiness (I like to use the term "tidy, but laid back." No one wants to live with the most anal retentive person ever, but no one wants a slob either.)

*Tip on using vague terms like "social drinker" and "420 friendly": You may want to define what you mean. My level of comfort with weed, for example, is occasionally you can do it at parties- twice a month max, and not in the house. I don't like a house the smells like weed and I don't like trying to approach people who are high about anything I want them to remember. My previous roommate had a daily habit that he considered "occasional use." The best bet it to be more conservative. You can always give more liberty than you can take away.

2. Price and location that work for me. Because I live in NY, I look to see if there are trains nearby and I can see how many transfers/ length of time to go to work, which is important to me. For you, you may want to ask

•  Is there street parking readily available? Do you have a garage? Is there an additional cost associated with parking?

•  Also, because I live in NY, things are often not what they appear to be. Stock photos shown by brokers are often NOT the apartment you are looking to sublet. Be skeptical. If it looks too good to be true, there's a catch somewhere.

3. Evaluate the roommates.

•  How old are they?
• Do they have steady incomes? (Phrase this better- say something like "what hours do you work?")
• Know a couple of their interests. (Don't have to be the same as yours, but ideally not someone who is an extremist in religious activities or political activism unless they also mention that they don't force their beliefs on others. You want to live with people who would be the LEAST likely to end up on reality televison, in my experience.)
• Find out if they have a squatting significant other and if they have issues with guests. (If you mainly have out of town visitors, figure out if they have any request about how long people stay. You don't want to step on toes.)

3. How long have they lived there? Have they had any issues with the apartment or supervisor?

4. Are utilities covered? If so, which ones? If not, how much do they cost additional on average?

5. Is this a furnished apartment/ room? How "furnished" is "furnished"? (This would be the time to mention if you have a fully furnished apartment, an inventory of your larger items, and whether or not you are willing to part with anything and if so, what. They may want a new TV for the living room or extra dishes. You never know.)

6. Lease terms and conditions. I always like to know how long the lease is, if there is an option to renew, if they expect me to be on the lease, or if I can just sublet. Also, know what date you can move in. So far I've been lucky with subletting and staying month to month. When moving in with complete strangers, I prefer to stay month to month or sign a short lease (1-3 months) just in case we turn out to be incompatible. You don't want to end up in a place that is uncomfortable for you for an entire year.

And most importantly- just go with what feels right. Start by checking only apartments with PEOPLE who explain a bit about themselves and their apartment and seem community minded and respectful. Then email them back and forth a bit to feel them out. Bring a friend to come see it if you want to, but if you’ve had a phone conversation or skype session to check out the apartment, you may not need a buddy. If it’s just texts, I’d bring someone. You never know who is typing at the other end.

On a personal note: I found the best roommate I've ever had on Craigslist and live with her currently. We've been together for 6 months, and we are both very respectful of each others' space and down to earth. Sometimes Craigslist strangers can turn into great friends!

My Triumphant Return to the Gym

Just had to write about it because I’m so proud of myself for actually going! I realized this morning, while feeling like a fatty, that I haven’t been to the gym in a looooong time. I hadn’t been since before the hurricane, which at this point, is about a month and a half ago. My suspicions were further confirmed when I was looking for my sports bra this morning and found it buried under a pile of swimsuits, meaning that I probably wore a bikini more recently than gym attire… and I don’t remember the last time I was in a bikini.

This is how gangsta I feel.

But today the gym-drought ended! I belong to the Bedford-Stuyvesant YMCA (literally around the corner from my apartment) and I was feeling so Brooklyn in there, listening to Jay-Z on my Ipod while doing dead-lifts. I resisted singing along since yelling “Can I get a F**k you” in the middle of the Bed-Stuy YMCA is probably going to gain some unwanted attention. The place already looks like a prison gym- full of big, black guys, aggressively pumping iron like their asshole’s innocence depends on it. Usually I just go to the treadmill, barely break a sweat, then go roll around on the mat and complain about having a cramp. But TODAY I ran 4.4 miles on the treadmill, burned over 500 calories, stretched until I got my forehead to touch the ground while in butterfly position, AND even tried to lift some weights!

BAM. Apart from being disgusting and sweaty right now, I feel so good!

Say No to Doctors.

So a bit more about Needle In The Haystack guy. Still seeing him. In all logic, he’s a great choice. Smart, funny, and, lately, very sensitive. The last time I was over at his place, as things started to get heated between us, he got up. This is not unusual for us- I figured he was just going to hit the overhead light, leave the kitchen light and TV on, and come back to bed to take care of business. Like all men do, for the most part. 

However- he got up, turned off the kitchen light, overhead light, and the TV. Then HE TURNED ON SOME MUSIC! I couldn’t believe it. This is like serious love-making quality stuff. This is the most intimate and romantic sex I’d had since probably college when I dated a guy who wasn’t selfish. Shocking, refreshing, awesome.

He usually provides the perfect amount of protection vs trust (a hugely important issue for me). On the protection side, for example, when I was groped by my airplane neighbor during landing a couple of weeks ago returning from Portland, I didn’t really know what to do. It was awkward and I felt dirty about it. He ditched right after we got off the plane and he had done it while we were descending, so it wasn’t like stewardesses were out and about. I was creeped out so I texted NITH guy. He told me I had to report it. Even if I can push it aside like no big issue, it is my civic duty to report something like that to try to save other people from having the same problems with the same creepy guy. So I did. I ended up getting 3,000 airline miles added to my account by the embarrassed and thoroughly confused customer service girl who had obviously thought I was calling to complain about the lack of meals served on flights nowadays. Sexual assault is not common, but not something to be taken lightly. I immediately felt better after doing it too. NITH does the right thing.

On the trust side- when I went up to Boston to see Boston Guy, he knew I was visiting a guy up there for the weekend. I appreciate the fact that he trusts me anyway and I appreciate even more that he didn’t ask me detailed questions. He simply asked “Did you have a good time?” Uhh, yes. Yes I did. (This, by the way, brings up a whole other set of issues that I have an enormous, illogical, and completely one-sided crush on Boston Guy, who has not contacted me in days. More on that later.)

Regardless of my issues, NITH is pretty much perfect. Clearly the most awesome guy in Manhattan. He is frustrating me currently though by taking his “protection side” out of bounds. He wants me to go to a doctor. 

Dr. Leo Spaceman of 30 Rock

I realize that I am sick, but not THAT sick. Two days ago this may have been viable. I hate doctors. Every time I go, it’s always some hassle where I spent the entire day in the waiting room, either filling out new patient paperwork or finding out that my insurance will not be accepted so I’ll have to pay out of pocket. Then, after jumping through hoops all day, I go to an uncomfortable appointment (because, with low budget clinics in NY, low expectations are the new high expectations.) Bedside manner is clearly not encouraged. It’s the typical argumentative bullshit New York attitude problem with every administrative person and doctor through the entire process. By the end of the appointment, they’ll tell you you’re sick and you should drink soup. Then they bill you $100 for that sage advice. They can’t even hook you up with some soup? They write prescriptions for every other thing! If I wanted to waste my whole day, be frustrated, and get free advice, I would just go to the DMV and then call my mom. Because that is what the doctor is like for me. Never worth it.

NITH is trying to bribe me via text message right now. He is trying to bribe me with a massage, which is usually the trump card for me doing anything. Not this though. I told him I would rather die alone in this apartment with my cat, a spinster in her prime, than go to the doctor. I’m not going unless it’s in an ambulance.

And, in any case, I’m FINE! I just have a gross cough now that will be here all season, just like every year, and nothing else is wrong. I think I might go have some coffee and go out today just to prove a point. Back off, NITH. You will not win the doctor argument. I am building my immune system by rejecting Western medicine!