Mob Remodel

Contractors from NJ still in my office. This must be the longest remodel project of all time.

Another classy television personality

The conversation that just happened was this:

NJ Contractor: So I got a video tape.

Me: … okay…?

NJ Contractor: It’s of Karen Gravano smokin’ crack and givin’ blow jobs to black guys.

Me: Who the hell is that? Why do you have this?

NJ Contractor: Karen Gravano! From Mob Wives! Her fatha murdered Jack’s fatha! We are going to nail har with this tape!

Me: Why would she be doing that and/or letting anyone video tape it?

NJ Contractor: I know some guys who owe me a fava….

Me: I don’t want to know any more about this. I feel like an accomplice.

Does anyone else ever have to deal with this shit at work? Seriously? Please just finish remodeling my office so I can get some work done and don’t have to wonder if at some point I’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes in a pair of concrete shoes. I want to go back to worrying about my regular, suburban white girl problems of unrequited love, bad cell phone reception, and the need to go grocery shopping so I can stop eating ice cream for breakfast.

Epic Fail.

Last night I had a weird dream about Successfully Potential Date Guy, who, let’s face it, is back to being Unsuccessful Date Guy. After a week of mysteriously unexplained silence, I finally texted him to let me know either way if he has any interest in going out again. No answer IS my answer. Bummer.

But I still had a dream about him last night. An awkward, sexual dream.

In this dream, UDG is super into me. We’re talking, laughing, making out and having a good time. Soon, things begin to get pretty heated between us. Just as we are about to have sex, UDG suffers some kind of erectile dysfunction and I have to call Crystal (his fictitious nurse friend I made up in the dream) and she comes to help him out of this awkward blue-balls dilemma. I end up basically being a nurse’s assistant, all romance missing from the entire situation, and then my alarm goes off. The moral of the story is I never get laid. Not even in my own dreams.

What I suspect NJ Contractor is doing after work.

Today I am in the office with one of the contractors from our remodel project. He’s an Italian guy from New Jersey whose father was murdered by the mob. He’s answered the phone already 3 times this morning, two from sexual conquests and one from a very pissed off ex-wife. Perhaps I should take away at least some dating advice from him- he’s very direct with all of these women. Here is an example conversation:

NJ Contractor: So you wanna get togetha tonight?

Woman on the phone: ‘’’’’’’’ (She sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher)

NJ Contractor: Well, is it going to be like a 10-15 minute conversation or do you wanna sleep together?

Woman on the phone: ‘’’’’’’’’

NJ Contractor: And you can’t do it on the phone? All I’m sayin’ is… that’s what happens when we get togetha.

<Hangs up phone>

NJ Contractor (to me): So you mind if I have a smoke in here, or what?

All I have to say is TGIF.