Resolutions for 2011

I’ve been thinking about my New Year’s resolutions. Last year’s New Year’s resolution ended up a cruel irony in which I resolved to give up drinking until St. Patrick’s day, and, when I succeeded, I went out for the St. Pat’s day festivities and spent the night in a jail cell with a DUI on my record and a 21 year old stripper named Tasha, who had been arrested for failing to appear in court to face her initial shoplifting violation.

This year the goal is to have no negative aftermath.

Besides the obvious (work out, eat healthy, file taxes before mid-April, etc) I will also be making some resolutions for self-improvement that I think I might actually succeed in.

1.       No traffic violations in 2011. Based on the fact that I am pretty much in the hot seat on these already, it’s just very practical to stay out of the legal limelight for, oh, forever.

2.       Get a new job. I’ve been looking and applying to places for 6 months probably, so this process has been ongoing. However, I’ve been employed at an unchallenging job and I’ve been a bit lazy. I need to amp it up a notch by putting my resume out and allowing opportunities to find me.

3.       Work out- for real! You always hear that people only ever do this when they’re being held accountable. That means do it with a buddy or join a class. If I could afford it, I’d get Jillian Michaels to drill-sergeant my ass back into a bikini. I recently got a new Ipod Nano, the thing to track your progress with your Nike + Ipod, and intend to go buy compatible shoes. When I’ve invested $300 in equipment, maybe I will feel the need to get my money’s worth. 

4.       New car. Again, been saving for this for some time. I’d really rather spend the money on a trip to somewhere cool rather than necessary equipment to get me to and from my 9-5 drone factory, but based on the current vehicle, I’m pretty sure the car will be choosing me more than I will be choosing it. I’ll probably have to pay someone to take my old car from me.

5.       Learn to cook. It’s true, I hate cooking. Anything with an open burner stresses me out because I’m concerned it will burn, be undercooked, or in the miraculous event of Brazilian chicken-and-rice night, be both. Salads? I’m a pro. Prep work? I’m your girl. But complete meals that involve any kind of meat or timing, and it’s going to be a disaster. This is the year of learning to cook at least 3 things that can be classified as “tasty” and “food.”

I realize that’s a lot to do in a year, but since most of them are things I was already considering and/or working on, I think 2011 is a good year to wrap up these goals.

Here we go...



Writing is a good outlet for me to analyze things in a way that is both inappropriate and unnecessary for work or friends to be aware of.

My cousin, who has been exposed to short, true stories I’ve written regarding ridiculous circumstances, believes that my life is a soap opera that I should be writing about for those who do not have such luck. She sent me this link and encouraged me to start blogging, so essentially it’s her fault for encouraging ideas to escape my head and project on the unsuspecting public.

Wonderful Palmer's Lip Balm



Today is not a notable day. It is clearly a slow day at work, thus allowing me to work on my blog, and implement new poor-man’s strategies for self improvement. This is why I am exfoliating my lips, so to speak, by putting Scotch tape on them and pulling off bits of dead skin. A quick winter fix for chapping!

It also looks incredibly professional when you’re sitting at your desk in the corner giving yourself a beauty treatment with office supplies and working on your blog. It probably looks even stranger when I apply my newest chapstick afterwards, which looks almost exactly like an Elmer’s glue stick.

Amy Sedaris' book: Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People



My other patented seasonal fix is for the air-conditioning (or lack thereof) in my car. Just get a bag of ice at the 7-11 and put it on your lap, roll down the windows, and enjoy! You do end up arriving at destinations a little wet and disheveled looking, but at least you are not uncomfortably drowning in your own sweat. If I come up with enough of these I might be able to write a book like Amy Sedaris.



Another day of work- in the CAN!