Dating Standards

Not to sound conceited, but sometimes being hit on is not flattering to the recipient. This is mainly because if someone thinks you’re hot, but some Law of Fairness, they also assume you’re stupid and insecure, and they treat you accordingly.

Exhibit A: One of my ex-boyfriend’s older brother’s friends used to send me messages on Facebook shortly after that boyfriend and I broke up. At the time, I thought cockiness was kind of cute and meant the guy was interested- plus I was vulnerable. That boyfriend later told me that the friend just thought I was hot and wanted to hook up with me.

This guy used to talk to me about a year ago and then communication dropped off the face of the earth. I figured that was fine- we didn’t know each other and I had met someone else, etc. 

On Friday I get the first message I get in a year:

“Ptown. What are you up to this weekend?”

I was responded somewhat coolly “I have some tentative plans. Is anything cool going on?” I haven’t talked to this person in a year AND I’ve never met him in person. WTF do you mean “What are you doing?” My regular life, dude. You’re not a part of it.

His response to mine: “Well, I will be in Portland, so basically everything is cool. My brother is having a BBQ- want me to keep you in the loop?”

My thoughts on this were “Do I want you to keep me in the loop? You are chasing me! I am the prize, bitch! I got hit on by two guys at Walgreens today when I was buying vaginal anti-fungal and birth control- the most un-sexy pharmaceutical combination of all time. So, if I gave a crap what you were up to for the past year, I probably would have called, and vice versa. You clearly don’t care about me and I don’t want to be your f-buddy. If I wanted to get laid, I would be getting laid. If I wanted to hang out with an overgrown frat boy a decade older than me who thinks he’s all that, I would have stayed with my ex. So, no, Toolbox- I do NOT want to go to your BBQ.”

I responded “If you want to. I’ll probably be hanging out with my girls though.” Maybe I am irrationally offended, but seriously. What girl would REALLY feel like it’s a privilege to be hanging out with some guy who only calls to hook up when he’s in town? Get over yourself. I have self-esteem! And in any case, I have a new list of standards about dating.

No addicts, alcoholics, abusers, psych cases, dead-beats, arrogance issues, clinginess issues, family problems, emotionally unavailable, financial instability, losers, creepers, anarchists, pedophiles, closet-gays, trust issues, liars, married-men, guys with kids, stalkers, polygamists, cheaters, smokers, short guys, gangsters, wanksters, or mamma’s-boys need apply.

I do not think this mission should be impossible.