Troll Apocalypse?

I saw a woman on the street on my way in to work today who scared the hell out of me. Giant lips, long, fried, black hair... she looked like a muppet. I do not understand this “beauty” trend. It makes everyone look like cartoons!

Here are what seem to be the steps:

The modern woman?

• Fake n’ Bake until your skin has the color and consistency of a leather belt.
•  Botox inject your lips until they look like two sausages attempting to escape from your teeth.
• Fry your hair completely flat.
• Apply fake eyelashes. Thicker the better.

If you have fur or snakeskin to clothe yourself in, all the better. Or inappropriately short skirts that show off muscular, manly legs in the case of this morning’s creature.

 

Luckily this doesn’t seem to be taking off as HUGELY popular, but it certainly has become mainstream enough that I’m finding it on the streets of midtown Manhattan on a Thursday morning, instead of in a back alley of tranny prostitutes (for which this woman could have been honestly mistaken). Ma’am (Sir?) please stop looking like an oversized Bratz doll that is old enough to be my mother and try to age gracefully. Or possibly join the circus. Not cute.

Expanding my Comfort Zone... in Fashion.

I am not an exciting dresser. For the most part, my wardrobe is several pairs of the exact same jeans and a bunch of t-shirts that I either got for free from a promotional event, or purchased at a brewery or concert. I don’t let underwear and socks go until they disintegrate in the dryer (much to my sister’s disappointment).  NYC is out of my element, clothing-wise.

Not dressing quite this saucey... yet.

However, recently I acquired some more interesting clothing from my friend who is a fit model and insists that I spice up my wardrobe (aka- go buy clothes from somewhere that doesn’t serve food as its primary function.) 

Today I put my fashion foot forward and wore an article she passed on. They are ribbed black leggings with little metal snaps on the sides. Edgy. It’s like wearing a sweater on my legs, except due to the fact that I have a “crack-back*,” they keep slipping down, which is awkward. Luckily I am wearing a long, boring gray sweater over top so I am still mildly in my comfort zone dressing like a shadow, and I can pretend they are like regular stockings.

Due to my fashion-forwardness today, I expect I got the burst of confidence to try one more time for UDG by texting him to ask him out for coffee. And he said yes! Details still to be worked out, but still! It's happening! I give all credit to these aggressively fashionable sweater-pant things that I would have entirely passed on in the store. 

Fab!

Other than that, not much is new. I am going to a play tonight Off-Broadway called “Old Jews Telling Jokes.” I think the title is going to be a spoiler alert, much like “Snakes on a Plane.” But I’m open to it! It’s a good Friday for spicing things up!

*Vocabulary lesson, via my sister: Crack-back is when your legs simply turn into your spine, with no butt for transition. Incredibly frustrating.