Say No to Doctors.

So a bit more about Needle In The Haystack guy. Still seeing him. In all logic, he’s a great choice. Smart, funny, and, lately, very sensitive. The last time I was over at his place, as things started to get heated between us, he got up. This is not unusual for us- I figured he was just going to hit the overhead light, leave the kitchen light and TV on, and come back to bed to take care of business. Like all men do, for the most part. 

However- he got up, turned off the kitchen light, overhead light, and the TV. Then HE TURNED ON SOME MUSIC! I couldn’t believe it. This is like serious love-making quality stuff. This is the most intimate and romantic sex I’d had since probably college when I dated a guy who wasn’t selfish. Shocking, refreshing, awesome.

He usually provides the perfect amount of protection vs trust (a hugely important issue for me). On the protection side, for example, when I was groped by my airplane neighbor during landing a couple of weeks ago returning from Portland, I didn’t really know what to do. It was awkward and I felt dirty about it. He ditched right after we got off the plane and he had done it while we were descending, so it wasn’t like stewardesses were out and about. I was creeped out so I texted NITH guy. He told me I had to report it. Even if I can push it aside like no big issue, it is my civic duty to report something like that to try to save other people from having the same problems with the same creepy guy. So I did. I ended up getting 3,000 airline miles added to my account by the embarrassed and thoroughly confused customer service girl who had obviously thought I was calling to complain about the lack of meals served on flights nowadays. Sexual assault is not common, but not something to be taken lightly. I immediately felt better after doing it too. NITH does the right thing.

On the trust side- when I went up to Boston to see Boston Guy, he knew I was visiting a guy up there for the weekend. I appreciate the fact that he trusts me anyway and I appreciate even more that he didn’t ask me detailed questions. He simply asked “Did you have a good time?” Uhh, yes. Yes I did. (This, by the way, brings up a whole other set of issues that I have an enormous, illogical, and completely one-sided crush on Boston Guy, who has not contacted me in days. More on that later.)

Regardless of my issues, NITH is pretty much perfect. Clearly the most awesome guy in Manhattan. He is frustrating me currently though by taking his “protection side” out of bounds. He wants me to go to a doctor. 

Dr. Leo Spaceman of 30 Rock

I realize that I am sick, but not THAT sick. Two days ago this may have been viable. I hate doctors. Every time I go, it’s always some hassle where I spent the entire day in the waiting room, either filling out new patient paperwork or finding out that my insurance will not be accepted so I’ll have to pay out of pocket. Then, after jumping through hoops all day, I go to an uncomfortable appointment (because, with low budget clinics in NY, low expectations are the new high expectations.) Bedside manner is clearly not encouraged. It’s the typical argumentative bullshit New York attitude problem with every administrative person and doctor through the entire process. By the end of the appointment, they’ll tell you you’re sick and you should drink soup. Then they bill you $100 for that sage advice. They can’t even hook you up with some soup? They write prescriptions for every other thing! If I wanted to waste my whole day, be frustrated, and get free advice, I would just go to the DMV and then call my mom. Because that is what the doctor is like for me. Never worth it.

NITH is trying to bribe me via text message right now. He is trying to bribe me with a massage, which is usually the trump card for me doing anything. Not this though. I told him I would rather die alone in this apartment with my cat, a spinster in her prime, than go to the doctor. I’m not going unless it’s in an ambulance.

And, in any case, I’m FINE! I just have a gross cough now that will be here all season, just like every year, and nothing else is wrong. I think I might go have some coffee and go out today just to prove a point. Back off, NITH. You will not win the doctor argument. I am building my immune system by rejecting Western medicine!

Boundaries.

I’ve been incredibly lonely lately. I realized that I am closer to my roommate (a girl I have known for less than 3 months) than I have been with any boyfriends I’ve had in the last 3 years. This may be because she is not someone I am trying to impress, and I make less than no effort to “keep the mystery alive.” How anyone does it in marriage is beyond me. 

Some example conversations I have had with my roommate that exhibit the nature of the relationship include:

• Bowel movements, including the phrase “I spent the whole day in the bathroom. I was basically just shitting a pile of wet sand. It was probably the tacos.”
• Vinegar faces. “So, when he cums, he bites his tongue in his cheek and I couldn’t figure out why I recognized it for a while. But THEN I realized it’s the same face my grandma makes when she’s concentrating really hard.”
• Dietary habits. “I am too lazy to cook. I think I am going to eat these Chef Boyardee raviolis from the can. Don’t judge. Less dishes.”
• Health issues. “…you know how sometimes when you have diarrhea and there’s sometimes blood in it?”
• Relationships. “Do you ever wake up because you farted in your sleep, but then you wonder ‘Wait. Was it him?’ I just can’t wait until we can cross the ‘fart boundary.’ I have been holding it in like crazy.”

Me dashing out of the kitchen, but less blood.

This morning we crossed the threshold of “apartment nudity” when she came upstairs to find me cutting up cucumbers in the kitchen- naked. (Yes, I get ready for work completely naked until the last minute when I finally cave to being confined by conventional clothing. No, I did not know she was home.)

As soon as I saw her coming, I ran off to my room (knife still in hand, probably looking like Christian Bale on his hooker killing spree in American Psycho) and she yelled down the hall after me “Dude! I don’t CARE that you’re naked!” For having met this girl on Craigslist 3 months ago, I’d say I hit the jackpot.

Moronically upbeat mug... I want one.

I’m not saying I would want to have all (or any) of these conversations with a significant other, but it’s nice to just be able to let your guard down and do/say whatever you want around someone. I’ve never gotten there with a boyfriend. I’m always jealous of people in these happy, carefree, completely non-PC  relationships. How do people FIND people who accept them for who they are?! Even after months of dating, I always still feel the need to keep constantly shaved legs, NEVER talk about anything that occurs in the bathroom, will not take off makeup in front of him, and definitely don’t go completely caveman on my food like I do when I’m alone. Not even when I’m drunk!

  

Maybe I’m just one of those people who wasn’t meant to have a One.